Turkey Day and More

November has been a busy month; good things, bad things, and everything in the middle.  It could be said that I've spent the month completely ticked off, as usual. Admittedly, I have a bad attitude.  But Thanksgiving was wonderful.  I loved spending time with my family, playing games, eating food, and relaxing. 

First, Randy and I went to my in-laws.  At that point, I had been working full-time, going to school full-time, and wasn't in the mood to bake like I normally am.  Linda offered to cook everything.  (Bless her heart!)  I made a green bean casserole and brought soda.  That's it!  Wow.  It was great.  In all honesty, I thought it would really bother me.  I mean, I love to cook, I love to be bragged on (it's not pretty), and I love being in my own house.  But it was fantastic, and I really appreciate her being willing to do that for me.  The food was awesome!

Then we had Mom, Brianna, Jeni, and Dwight over to our house.  We watched The Biggest Loser (shouting what jerk John is the entire time!!!!), visited, and ate.  :)  Good times!  The day wasn't long enough to fit everything in, but it was heaven.

I feel blessed for my family.  <3

I handed in my 2 week notice at work, after cameras were installed.  I'm surprised I made it a month after that.  They followed me around everywhere, there was a microphone snaked under the cabinet that came up to my face, and I've never felt so uncomfortable.  I got e-mails about EVERYTHING!  I won't list everything.  Nothing major; just letting me know they were watching me.  The thing is, I didn't have many customers, which could be an understatement, and I didn't have enough things to possibly fill two hours, much less an entire work day.  I couldn't read a book, listen to radio that had talking, crack open a magazine, or slump in my chair.  I challenge one of you to go sit in front of your computer in dress-up clothes, don't turn it on, and sit there for 6 hrs.  (Just to assume I did, indeed, have enough work for 2 hrs.)  Go ahead.  Try it.  You won't make it 30 minutes.  I should mention I was encouraged to make up Excel spreadsheets for nonsense information.  Someone please tell me the reason for that.

Well, not working there has taken a huge burden off my shoulders.  I'm freaking out because of money, and yet, less stressed than I've been in so long.  I absolutely have to find a job as soon as finals are over, though. 

Speaking of, my first semester is just about down the hatch!  Yahoo!  I have only one more week of classes.  In History, I don't have a final, but an extra credit assignment instead.  Two finals are next Saturday, and two are next Tuesday.  That's it!  I am enrolled for next semester, and I'll be glad to be done with this one.  Physics was my most difficult class, by far.  However, Computers gave me a fit, too.  :(  Sad to say, I'm not as smart as I thought myself to be in some areas.  Well, one thing my GEP class has taught me is that I am a scholar; that doesn't mean I know everything.  That means I can study anything.  Even if I have strengths and weaknesses, I can do this! 

I helped Teri with her Christmas Open House for a few days, and it was so relaxing and fun to hang out with her and Olivia.  I haven't been able to spend that much time with her for several years, and I loved it!  I may have been more of a pest than anything, but it was liberating to not be at work.  Working six days a week took a toll on me, and Teri even mentioned I was stressed out and wasn't fun anymore.  I know what she meant.  Almost like I wasn't the same person; not mean, but just stretched to my limit.  I felt like a huge drain.

Now, at home, I am a drain, seriously.  I am not pulling my weight.  I feel badly for Randy.

I wonder why it is, though, that when we feel mad at ourselves, we act mad at other people.  It makes no sense to me.  And yet I do it.  I will say, I feel hormonal and impossible to please.  I'm not going to try and reason through my madness right now.  I have too many school things to think about, and I refuse to drive myself crazy.  I'm chalking it up to getting through a few things, and not worrying too much that I don't feel exhuberant joy bubbling from within.  Maybe it'll come.  Things (and people) ebb and flow.  I have learned that.  Some days there will be bliss.  Some days there will be poo.  Right now I kinda feel like poo, although not nearly as much as a month ago.  ;) 

I am getting off here to do some laundry and get ready for the week.  Or maybe to go to bed early.  Either way, it's goo'night to cyberland for now!!

Maybe Wantin' IS Gettin'!

These are the things that are important to me.

I want:

A clean house
My bills paid without ridiculous stress
To be more involved with my church family
To better invest in my family and friends
To be in better shape
To be happy
To finish school

It's In the Water

Is it my imagination, or every woman on the bloomin' earth pregnant right now?! 

So, of course, I've heard (or read on blasted FB!) about heartburn, insomnia, swollen feet, weight gain, and food cravings.

Worse, I've heard (or read on blasted FB!) about nesting, excitement, baby clothes, nursery plans, ultrasounds, and due dates.

Okay, okay.  Simmer, Jill.  Love your life.  Be grateful.  Be thankful.  Have faith.  And smile.  Always smile. 

Carrie:  "It's only ever going to be the two of us.  Are we enough?"

Big:  "Kid....we're too much."

Sniff.

Gloomy, eh?

Someone said I sounded gloomy today.  :(  I don't know how to act happy.  That is horrible!  I am trying to be more positive, and one day in, someone says I sound gloomy.  Just call me Eeyore. 

"Looks like rain today...."

Deep Breath Out

Last post REMOVED!  I do not need more negativity clouding my vision, nor do I give that woman any more space in my life than absolutely necessary.  There.  Whew. 

As any naturally negative person does, I have given myself a name that makes excuses; Realist.  With that title, I can spout off anything I want, and if I start feeling bad about it, I simply say, "Well, it's true!  I'm just being a Realist."  Not good enough.

This blog is about infertility, so I don't write about tiptoeing through the proverbial tulips, but I need be more positive about the good things in my life.  Because truly, I have abundant gifts that I far too often forget to mention!

I am so thankful for my husband.  I couldn't love another person as much as I love him.  He's my heartbeat.  His honesty, his kindness and compassion, his touch...  I love all of him.  He is often a mirror for me, my true compass.  With him, my life makes perfect sense.

My family is such a blessing to me.  My niece is a beautiful, unique, smart, funny person whom I've loved since the minute I saw her in the nursery window, dark cheeks puffed out, face crumpled, squawking about life outside the womb.  I have watched her grow, and I adore what I'm seeing.  My sister and I experienced our childhoods together, and now, as adult women, we love one another even more deeply.  I couldn't ask for a better sister.

I have few friends, but each one is special.  They lift me up when I am down, rejoice with me when I am happy, and bring joy to my life! 

Things often come and go, but the love of family and friends you can carry with you always, through trials, through hurts, through the good times.  I hope I give back to the people that surround me as much as they have given me, if that is possible.

LIG....

Love Comes Rudely

Wow, got completely worked up last night!  I was on a rampage.  Uh ohhh....

I was so excited to see the "Love" series by Janette Oke come on the Hallmark channel last night.  Of course, the movies deviated from the books so much, I wouldn't have recognized them.  Anyway, they were already playing Belinda's story by the time I turned it on.

So Belinda's having trouble getting pregnant AND she's a doctor caring for her pregnant friend.  Good times already.  (Shoulda turned it off right then!)

So before the first commercial I'm already mildly irritated when Belinda says every labor is an emergency.  Is that so?

Then someone tells Belinda her hair is too shiny to be the mark of an infertile woman.  Okay, now I'm making snide remarks to the television.  (My hair does look a little dull.  Infertility or hard water?  IDK.)

Then the same someone tells Belinda she should "relax and read a book before bedtime."  Belinda does it and gets pregnant.  Wow!  Had NOOOO idea reading helped you ovulate.  Wait.  I seem to have read a few books before...big ones, even! 

I feel so snarky.  To be this mad over Janette Oke movies!  But COME ON, PEOPLE!  Sheesh.

The ONLY redeeming thing in the entire movie was when a pregnant woman goes into labor, and Belinda decides not to use forceps but takes advice to just move the woman's position to overcome dystocia.  Okay, I'll give her that one.  Besides that, you're done in MY book, Miss Oke!  I have a stack of your novellas I no longer know what to do with....

Catch-Up

It really has been ages since I've been on here!  I am avoiding school work at any cost, so I thought I'd take a few moments to blog about what all has been going on lately. 

First things first...I started college!!!  I know, wow!  Big leap.  I'd been debating on it for soooo long, and realized time had lapsed, and that I could have been DONE already had I just started, so decided to take the huge plunge.  Five classes, way too much to information to retain, and definitely not enough hours in the day.  That about sums it up.

Next.  Infertility has been pushed to the background right now.  Actually maybe for good.  For the first time in 3 years, I haven't kept track of periods, sex, "symptoms", or ANYTHING!  It's scarey, actually.  Just to let it all go is insane.  It feels like I'm relinquishing control.

So for the third change, speaking of relinquishing control, one also has to realize when one HAS no control.  So "my music" (it amuses me that I chose those words) has been pushed to the background as well, also possibly for good.  Again, scarey and insane, but learning to accept what I cannot change.  So starting Wednesday night, I am going to enjoy the worship service approximately 16" further down that I have in awhile, and sit with my brothers and sisters in the congregation. 

I've mentioned one of my favorite thoughts is that sometimes it's not weak to give up.  Sometimes it requires great strength to let go; that is what I am discovering.  When I start to feel overwhelmed by any one of these things slipping out of my control (that word again!), and feel my airways constrict, and tears stinging my eyes, I am reminding myself that I am STRONG.  I am ABLE.  I am doing what is best for me.  Self-preservation is a wonderful thing.  :)  With Christ, all things are possible... 

Even Physics!  ;) 

Love & Light

Sending up prayers for a friend today. 

Raging, Alarming Dashboard Signals!!!

Church is your safe place, right?!  Sometimes.  Okay, so most of the time.  But last week it was just another thing that knocked me down.

I heard hours (quite literally) of good things.  Why does one comment contaminate the waters?

Someone got up and actually said he'd been talking with a woman in her 30's and asked why she didn't have children.  (BTW, NEVERRRR ask a woman that!  And know that you may or may not be given an honest answer if you do ask.)  The woman (who probably wanted to run from the room and cry, or smack his face) said she and her husband had two dogs they were raising.  (Okay, does this sound like a typical infertile woman's response to anyone besides me?!)  So he proceeded to tell her that dogs won't live as long as children, and they can't take care of you when you get old, and that there is nothing on earth like bone of your bone and flesh or your flesh.

I am astonished and sick for not only her, but ME!  I had to listen to the repeat, and I could barely sit in my seat.  After he'd moved on to something else and it wasn't obvious I was being rude to him, I rushed to the bathroom, managed to make it to a stall, sank onto the toilet seat, and cried.  Then I collected my emotions off the bathroom floor, washed my face, and behaved. 

This person is not malicious, and probably just didn't think about it.  But he's constantly telling people to "watch their dashboard."  Watch YOUR dashboard!  There were nine adults in the building that night.  Did he not notice I was one of them?!  I just looked at my best friend in shock (yeah, she turned around, probably sensing that I wanted to bawl), and mouthed, "Nice." 

Re-living it has made me tired.  I need an afternoon nap.

My IF Hero

When you suffer with infertility, you naturally seek out heroes you can look up to that have suffered with the same thing you suffer with, but rose above it gracefully.  Such women speak to me.  I am drawn to them.  Why?  Their infertility is just like mine, which means they could do or say nothing that would change their conditions.  Still, though, when you think of Mary, the Barren Queen of England, don't you admire her strong mind and poise, if not her mighty uterus?!  ;)

One woman that speaks volumes to me is Frida Kahlo, the famous Mexican painter.  Her body was so painfully broken she would never bear children, and yet she is an expression of raw emotion and vibrancy. 

And who couldn't love the accomplished Mrs. Julia Child?  The woman towers above most women, in body and in spirit.  Although you can't replace the hole not being able to have a child creates, she adored her husband and pursued her passion for cooking.  Go, Julia!

On a funnier note, did you ever stop to think Mrs. Claus never had any children?  They would have been doomed to diabetes and high blood pressure, but still....  I suppose she took in those orphaned elves and loved them like a mother.

But the woman whom I love, my sparkle sister, will never be topped.  Dolly Parton, YOU ROCK!  Or maybe I should say you rock-a-billy.  After collapsing on stage at 36, Dolly had to have a partial hysterectomy, and said she went through dark days coming to terms with infertility.  But she came out on the other side, shinier and someone who radiates from within.  She is one talented lady, and simply put, I love her.

So come on, ladies!  Hold your head up.  Create whatever your heart desires.  You're running in amazing company...

I confuse myself.  I want to be this healthy-eating hippie, baby in a sling, bare feet in the dirt, expression of love.  But honestly, that's not me. 

I hate that I love:
high heels
make-up
fake fingernails
body waxing (yup, nothing quite like a sphinx)
shaved legs and underarms
pizza
cake
black clothes (very slimming!)


Hmmm...makes me wonder...if I had enough money for things not to be a worry, what kind of clothes and food would I buy?  And would I visit Alyson for a bikini wax?!  (YES! to the second question!!)

Being Strong

A friend on FB posted this a few days ago, and of course, it's been lodged into my brain ever since.

"Giving up doesn't always mean you're weak.  Sometimes it means you are strong enough to let go."

I am in a much better place, both physically and emotionally, than I was a few days ago.  However, I look at this year so far, and it seems I've never been further away from fertility and good health.  I have made an appointment with a new doctor, Dr. Bell, for August 9th, to discuss a hysterectomy.  After I made the appointment, I sat in my office and sniffled a little bit, and then have cried a few times at home by myself, wondering if this is the right direction for me right now.  Dr. Bell is very knowledgeable in women's health, and has been practicing for a long time, and is very hard to get into.  (Thank you, Jeni, for your medical connections.  haha)

I just don't know if I can face this, but I also don't believe I can continue on living the way I have this year, and really, for many years now.  I'm very tired of it all.  But I'm so afraid of making a decision I can't live with.  And the term, "I can't live with," in all actuality, is a bit over-amplified, isn't it?  I mean, my heart will go on beating.  It will not break in two.  I have been so grieved before, that my chest really did hurt and feel broken.  Is that what it will feel like?  For how long?  Will I be resentful, jealous, or (even scarier), very depressed?  I act like I have nothing to do with how I will react!  How silly.

I am STRONG.  I will survive, and be happy.  Somehow, I will.  My prayer is that God grants me the strength to become in life what I am supposed to be.  That I am able to do what I was put on this earth to do.  That He helps me each day become a brighter light, for myself and others, instead of being frail and weak.  And if being strong means I must let go of something, I can do it.

Jill's Stats

My bleeding has slowed waaaaayyyyyy down (TY TY TY for the silver bullet, Bethany!!!), for which I am very thankful! (Will blog on the silver bullet later.) 

Maybe I'm down 'cause my stats are as follows:

201 day in the year 2011 so far.
Have been on my period 134 of those day.
Have been off my period only 67 days this year.
Have been on my period since May 11th (except for 4 days).
Can't have sex.  (Wouldn't want to if I could!!)
Can't go one hour without a tampon or pad.
Think about napping 100% of my awake time.
Simultaneously think about infertility while thinking about napping.
Want to eat bread doused in sugar while thinking about napping and infertility. 
I have begun dreaming about napping, infertility, and sugared bread.  Oh, and soda.


Feh.  Still fighting tears today.  I will be perkier, livelier, funnier, and happier in a few days.  I just know it.

Totally Without Energy

I am not posting a lot lately, but it's because I don't have the wherewithal to even vocalize how physically ill I feel, how discouraged and down I am inside, much less give an account of everything my body and mind are going through at this point.  Maybe later.

Discouraged

I just do not know where to go from here.  I got out my calendar yesterday afternoon, and began to count my cycles.  As of today, I have been on my period straight for 58 days.  So far this year, there have been 189 days;  I have been on my period for 124 of them.  124 days.

I feel so discouraged.  I started Norethindrone days ago, and am hoping to stop my period today or tomorrow.  My body feels so run down.  I feel lazy, don't want to do housework, come to my job, go anywhere...I am exhausted.

None of options are appealing to me.  Even though a hysterectomy would technically take care of the bleeding, it wouldn't cure my PCOS, interestingly enough.  And the past few years, I can't seem to come to terms with that alternative. 

I am just not sure what to do anymore...

4th of July

Janell's baby was born at 12:51 am on the 4th of July.

Cowardly Lion

I am so ashamed to admit I took a coward's way out this weekend to avoid an unpleasant situation and face another heart-breaking moment for me.  I just couldn't see a pregnant person Saturday....

Which makes me re-visit a question I've asked myself many times, without a good answer.  Why do some women's pregnancies bother me, and others' do not?  This person was a relative, no less!  :(  I am disappointed in myself.

Secondary Infertility

I have given secondary infertility much thought, shamefully only after it was brought to my attention, and it was an eye-opener for me.  A real "ahh haa" moment. 

I was reading a blog the other day, and it was a list of things you should never say to an infertile couple.  Well, I hopped off, re-read a note I'd already posted on FB, and hurled out my own blog post.  Then I thought about the things she said, and there was one I had never considered.  It said not to tell someone with secondary infertility that, "At least they got one baby," or something along that line.  Hmmmm.

Could it be, that I, Little Miss More-Sensitive-Than-Thou, could have thought rudely of someone with secondary infertility?!  Wow.  I was smacked in the face with my own bad attitude.  Although I had never said anything aloud to anyone except my best friend, I had secretly thought many times, "What is the big deal?!  You had one, didn't you?  At least you experienced being pregnant, and giving birth, and cuddling a baby, and .... and, and, and."

I have a relative that was unable to conceive after her first son was born, and she'd tell me, "I know exactly how you feel.  I always wanted more."  It would boil my blood, and I felt like snapping back, "Really?!  You know how I feel?  I guess I'm confused, because I thought you had given birth."  I firmly stand by saying she didn't, and still doesn't, know how I feel, and I sure wish she hadn't said it to me, but infertility affects even women with children, which most of us childless people don't like to admit.

Here is what I believe.  Women deserve the choice. 

And when that right to choose is taken away by infertility, women inherently feel cheated.  Yes, I believe living childless forever is different than not getting a second, third, tenth child, but infertility hurts.  Badly.

I will never again look down on a woman for wanting, and not getting, a child she yearns for.  I see the error of my ways, and feel ashamed for the way I have thought to myself, over and over, considering myself in a much worse place to be. 

It's not a contest.  I don't have the corner on hurting. Goodness, that was hard to say...

Infertility Video

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=IVPhzm4vdeM&feature=player_embedded

A dear friend thought of me enough to send me the above clip.  <3

All Unwanted Advise Will Be Flushed

This post is a variation of a note I wrote on Facebook.  I was a little angry at the time, and since I've calmed down, I think I can approach it in a more constructive way.  My negativity is telling me the people that need to read this won't.  What luck.  My positivity is telling me most people in my life don't need to read it, because most people would never say anything cruel.

I read something this morning that reminded me of this, and started thinking about it.  Here are my thoughts after an hour of stewing.  Oh, yeah...a couple of years and an hour...

I did not put anything on this list that has not been said to me.  Shocking.  (And, Friends, if we've actually had a real conversation about any of these things, like prayer and meditation, or needing an answer, then I'm not talking to you.  I'm talking to the flip statements that have been thrown at me from out of nowhere!)

Things You Should NEVER Say To An Infertile Couple:

When are you going to have children?
Probably never; about the same amount of time it'll take you to get a clue.

You need a vacation.
True, O Insensitive One, true.  While I'm not aware that mosquito netting around a bed helps with conception, I could be wrong.

Just relax!
Just grow a brain.

Have you thought about elevating your pelvis...you know...afterward?
If his boys are too stupid to swim, maybe we shouldn't be fishing out of that pond.  But thank you for telling me about my inferior sexual positions.  Just what I always wanted to hear.

At least you're having fun trying!
Temping, charting, stressing... pills, shots, scheduled sex...yeah, it's all a real blast!  Welcome to the fun side.

Are you sure you're unable to have children?
Are you sure you're not insane?  I can get a doctor's note if it helps you.

Be humble enough to go up for prayer.
Yeah, because my pride is causing me not to ovulate.  As if things weren't humiliating enough..."Could you pray I release a viable egg this month?"  If people know our situation and care for us, then they are already praying.

All sickness is a lack of faith.
You should really consider working for hospice.  I sense a calling...

Has God told you why?  You should get an answer about it.
Will this be in the form of a ransom note?  "Dear Jill, hand over the jealousy, and I hand over the baby."  I joke!  I don't think He minds.

You must have a vitamin deficiency.
Actually, I never have a sarcastic inner comment on this one.  But it makes me say, "vitamin deficiency" in my head with an English accent.  Try it.  You'll be laughing in no time.  I think it's the soft "i" in "vitamin".

In all sincerity, I do not mind having an intelligent conversation, or receiving well-researched (I didn't say well-intentioned) advise, or even questions about my infertility.  I also appreciate all prayers, hugs, cards, smiles...thank you! 

I was once at a ladies get-together, and a group of four women were talking about having more children.  One turned to me, maybe to include me in the conversation I was obviously out of, and said, "You'd be doing good just to have one, Jill!"  I was so stunned - I just stood there with my mouth open, my cheeks aflame.  Another woman didn't miss a beat and said, "I think Jill's doing GREAT already!" very cheerfully, then expertly steered the talk in another direction.  I am so appreciative of sweet, sensitive people. Others should learn to filter thoughts and words more appropriately.

Oh, and I should mention, it has occurred to me that I'm not the only one on the planet, but I just don't accept that right now.  All mean statements are intended for me.  Don't deny it.

Baby Boy and Baby Girl's Mama

After much talking, praying, and heartache, Randy and I have decided to get rid of our dogs.  I cannot believe I just wrote that.

We moved last fall, and were so excited for ourselves, and also for Rosie and Milo.  They didn't have a yard, though, and quickly became "country dogs" by running away (sometimes all day long), hunting animals (and bringing them back as gifts for us!), getting ticks, and killing the neighbor's chickens.  But actually, that's not the reason, because I could make something that they would be trapped in.

The house we moved to is owned by our wonderful family members who had many dogs.  In fact, they had a large kennel.  Although it was not an indoor kennel, no matter how well I cleaned, Milo can smell the other dogs that have lived there, and marks on EVERYTHING.  We have had Milo since he was weaned, and besides basic housetraining, has only twice pottied in our house.  Once was when he was dewormed; poor baby pooped in the floor before he could make it outside.  The other time was when we had a visiting dog in our house, and he marked around the kitchen table.  Since we've moved, every time I clean, I find pee in my floor.  On the pellet stove.  On the floor speaker.  On our couch.  On the kitchen table legs.  On all the bedroom doors.  On RANDY'S GUITAR.  I cannot live like this anymore! 

And the hair.  My Lord, the hair.  It's on our clothes, couches, floors...I just want a clean house!

There is no excuse I can give that makes this better.  I. AM. A. TERRIBLE. PET. OWNER.  I should allowed to raise anyone.

I think I project a lot of my emotional needs onto my dogs.  It feels good to be a mama, even if it's to dogs.  They love me unconditionally.  They are affectionate.  They have enriched my life so much, and I am so thankful for them.

Back when I was selling dogs for my dad, we had a little guy born that was the runt of the litter.  He had a pigmentation on his nose that looked white, and he was so tiny!  Try as I might, I could NOT get a good picture of him.  No one wanted him!  I couldn't believe it, because he was, by far, my favorite puppy.  I named him Milo, thinking it was temporarily his until new owners named him.  While his brothers and sisters found their perfect homes, "baby boy" didn't have one.  Well, when he was fully weaned, we brought him home, just until he found his family, or so I thought.  Within a week, I took him off all our puppy ads. We were in love!

He potty trained relatively easily.  He was perfect for us.  We enjoyed watching him grow from a little runt into a beautiful boy.  :)

After having him a few years, my dad wanted to get rid of some of his grown dogs, and I always loved Rosie.  She is energetic, loves people, and had never gotten her chance at being a house dog.  I wanted her, and while Randy was working on the road, brought her home to live with us.  The transition was a very difficult one.  She has never known how to play because she was never played with, didn't understand treats, and she bonded with me right away but hated Milo.  She was also a "runaway".  She will dig through or jump over any fence.  LOL.  I cried every day for a week, because my other baby was upset with her, and instead of butting his way in, he'd just hang his head and go to the couch, dejected.  I had to find the balance of loving both of them in their own ways.  When Randy came home 2 wks later, the household was running perfectly.  She bonded with him, too, and now fits right in.  And more, they love each other!

Randy laughs at me because I talk to myself, or talk to the dogs, in 3rd person.  I always say, "Give Mama a hug, baby boy."  And to Rosie, I say, "She's the sweet girl.  That's what her Mama thinks." 

I honestly don't know if I can do this.  The home they are going to is technically perfect.  But, oh, this hurts! 

The Babies

:)

Wren:

A small, plump songbird.  Awwww.

Au Naturel, Baby

I have become OBSESSED with natural childbirth.  Totally obsessed.  This is such a deep educational thought process, a powerful tool to hopefully wield someday.  The birthing community (who knew there was such a thing!) has welcomed a TTC newcomer into their midst with gracious, open arms.  I love these women!  I don't exactly fit in with them, but I do feel welcome, and they have taught me much.

All I've ever heard all my life was about how horrible childbirth could be.  My own mother went into early labor, and delivered me over a month early.  She had gestational diabetes, so I still weighed 8 lbs, 3 oz.; a fairly large baby.  (It's all relative.)  She miscarried between me and my sister at almost 6 months into her pregnancy.  With both Jeni and me, she stopped smoking, but continued to drink alcohol.  She did not view childbirth in a natural way, forcing her body to go into early labor.

Two months before her "due date" (and I use that term loosely) with my sister, she drank TWO BOTTLES of Castor Oil.  I have since asked her why.  She responded that she felt like she needed to go into labor and couldn't stand being pregnant any longer.  Now, I should clarify.  My mother is an educated (obviously not about birth!), smart woman.  Why would she do that?!  I have read that Castor Oil cannot make you go into labor unless you are ready, and many women use it when they feel they are "overdue".  I beg to differ.  Maybe they're talking about the recommended dose of 2 Tbsp not causing you to go into early labor.  She gave birth within 24 hours, and my sister was so under-developed that her nasal passages were too small and she couldn't properly "suck".  Mom said it would take her an hour to eat from a bottle, and she would be completely exhausted from it.  Strangely enough, she still has almost no sense of smell.  I always wondered if this is why.  She was jaundice and stayed in the hospital several weeks.  

Both my sister and I are fine.  :)  We survived.  We bonded with our mother.  Basically, it can be said we adapted.  Humans are amazing that way.  But why would you want your baby to adapt if it is not necessary? 

When I was younger, I used to joke and say if I had a baby, just "give me the epidural and wake me when it's over."  How young.  How naive.  How sad!  And oh! how my thoughts have changed.

While separated from my husband for a very long time, infertility became somewhat of a non-issue.  Of course, since we've been back together the past 4+ years, it has raised it's ugly head once more.  But one amazing thing has come about through this.  I've given birth a second look.  An honest, blunt, factual, yet spiritual look, and I love what I'm seeing.  I have several friends who have given birth in a hospital setting and having their children has been the best experience of their lives.  But I'm crazy enough to believe it could be even better! 

I have never given birth.  So I certainly am not preaching, trying to persuade, or ridiculing your choices.  But I know what I want if my turn comes around.  You can't change my mind!  ;)  I value however my dear friends have birthed their babies.  They are amazing women!  :)  But I also know what I want if I am ever blessed enough to experience this for myself.  With your first child, did you have a birth plan?  Did you know what you wanted, even if it didn't happen the way you planned?  And just because you hadn't given birth yet, did that make your opinions stupid or irrelavent?  Certainly not. Nor are mine.

I can literally imagine myself giving birth.  I can see my husband, I can feel the room energy.  I can see my beautiful, natural, home birth.

"In my courtyard," as Sylvia Plath so beautifully wrote, "a fountain leaps and sinks back into itself."  That is exactly what infertility feels like.  But in my body and in my mind, I sometimes get a sense of that cool, forceful water that might one day burst forth and create life beyond it's own!  That my body that was wonderfully and fearfully made might do exactly what it was intended to do.  And when the time comes...

it's au naturel, baby...!

- Remember Ephesians 5:33 -

Is it insane to believe you can become physically ill from an argument with a loved one?  Randy and I got into a rare fight (I use this word emphatically.  Not a disagreement.  Not a spat, squabble, or fuss.  A fight.) the other night, and I honestly believe it's made me sick.  I feel sick at heart, anyway.  The odd thing might be that we had a beautiful, honest discussion preceeding the fight that was lovely. 

The next day, as luck (I don't even believe in that word!) would have it, I got sent a "badge" on FB...the "Love & Respect Badge" that quoted Ephesians 5:33.  "Nevertheless let every one of you in particular so love his wife as himself; and the wife see that she reverence her husband."  I am choosing to try and forget the belligerent attitude I copped and the lack of respect I showed to my husband, and I wasn't exactly feeling Randy loved me as much as himself at that moment.  Not only am I fogiving him, I'm forgiving myself. 

The reason I bring this up is because I am shocked at the primal, base emotions that are inside me and sometimes rise to the top, and it honestly scares me.  I grew up in a home that was a contradiction between peace and rage.  I don't want to be the person I saw the other night; I don't want to be my mother.  I LOVE my mother, but I don't want to be the woman she used to be toward me and my sister.  I choose to be different.  I hope if I ever have a baby, I would be a good mama.  And just as important, a good wife.

Are you envisioning me biting Randy's arm, or throwing a china dish against the wall?  Nothing that dramatic, I promise!  We are actually quite placid, amiable individuals most of the time.  :)  Just a little forethought into how I act from now on will be in place.  So, one horrible fight will last me a lifetime without the need to repeat it.  I'm good! 

Reconciled, I can breathe a sigh of relief.  Love, once more, reigns in the Ayers' home! 

Mother's Day - Day of the Apocalypse

Mother's Day.  The day all infertile women HATE!  The day we feel our world might end.  But then again, sometimes it comes and goes, and it wasn't nearly as bad as you thought it was going to be.  Such was the case last year.  I felt silly building it up in my mind as the worst day of the year.  But no one said anything insensitive, there was no "Let's have the mothers stand for a handclap" (gotta love that one...sitting there in your chair with all the men and teenage girls), really, there was nothing to feel upset about.  I wished my mother a happy day, gave her a hug, and kept an easy smile on my face.  No problems, no break-downs, no tears.  Nadda.

So this year I was prepared to have a wonderfully non-eventful day.  It certainly wasn't the worst Mother's Day I've ever had, but I had to keep one of those fakey smiles plastered on my face until almost 3:00 pm.  Excruciating!  Here's what I love, people:

I really love scriptures about barren women being read on Mother's Day.

I really love at least one person saying "Happy Mother's Day" to me, and then realizing they shouldn't have said it.  (The guilt-stricken look on their face is priceless.)

I really, REALLY love having a plant shoved in my face by a poor child who is just on a mission from an adult to "Give Sister Jill this <insert plant, flower, pin, card, or any other gift word here>."

I love going to a restaurant and getting a Mother's Day gift, graciously turning it down (because, NEWS FLASH, I'm not a mother!), and my husband piping up beside me, "Oh, take it!  I'll use it."  (Handsoap; the statement I was trying to make meant nothing- no waitress learned a sensitivity lesson- all because my husband is too cheap to buy an extra handsoap for non-mothers!  As Teri has told me, it's not my job to teach anyone a lesson.  I find this is a hard pill to swallow.)

I love that no one, not even my husband, gets that this is a hard day for me.  Well, Jeni and Teri are sensitive to it.

Mother's Day is SOOOOO not about me.  It's the opposite of about me.  So why do I feel like it is?  Am I that big of an ego maniac?

Here's what I honestly love about Mother's Day:

I love that I'm an auntie to one sweet little girl!

I love that last year my father-in-law wished me Happy Mother's Day and said, "You take care of the biggest baby I know, so you're qualified."  So it may not have been a perfect statement, but it made me laugh, and it was acknowledged.

I love...nix that.  I can't think of anything else I love about it.

I would like to remind everyone that no childless woman wants a gift on this day.  Leave her alone.  If she has a child, those potted plants will make her smile.  If she doesn't, don't!  Refrain!  Just think, "Am I doing this to make her feel better, or to make myself feel better?"  Remember every childless woman on this day thinks everyone is staring at her to see her reaction, even if they aren't.  Remember no matter what you say, it might not be the right thing, but even then remeber...

We love you, too, and are trying to keep a good attitude.  We're trying.

CANNOT Deal Today

I hate stupid facebook.  A sonogram video on FB this afternoon has me running like mad to my blog. I cannot deal with all of this today, but I don't want to be awful.  Sniff.  I'm going to cry.

Cherish Life

It's so cliche, but a tragedy always brings things into perspective. 

We got a call this morning that a friend had passed away.  He was only 40 years old, with such a desire for a full, good life.  This wasn't a "Why, God?!" moment, but it was still quite a sad shock.

Before coming to work, I sat and thought about how blessed I really am.  Randy came up beside me with a hug.  I was holding my loved one while his wife was probably discussing her husband's funeral arrangments.  Maybe she's replaying their first date, or their wedding day, or the days their children were born, or even just their last mundane conversation - over and over in her mind. 

While his family mourns his loss, I am enjoying mine.  Which is, of course, the point.  Love your family and friends while you have time!  Cherish the moments you are allowed to spend with them!  When they are gone, you will have sorrow, as well as joy in the memories you have made with them.

I can't help but be reminded of the endless hours I have spent not enjoying my life and wishing for more.  I can't say that tomorrow I won't have those feelings again.  I'm human; I can be self-absorbed, ungrateful for my blessings, and wing-clipped with discontent, but for the moment, I have been pulled out of that muck and am seeing the world just a little higher from the ground.  Love is a miracle, and I am surrounded with it.

I pray for peace for his wife, children, parents, siblings..."blessed are those that mourn, for they shall be comforted."

Reuben Boyd

(holding one of his favorite girls, Miss Abigail)

Spring In My Step

I have emerged from my cave and am slowly rejoining the land of the living.  I have been lamenting over the fact that I now live in the country, but don't have any animals besides our dogs, can't have a garden, and our weedeater doesn't work properly so the corners of my beautiful yard look terrible.  The neighbor's cows are tearing up our yard, and we can't get the electric fence working.  Grr!  But physically, I feel better, or I wouldn't even be interested in springtime projects.

So to combat my frustration, I will tackle each of my problems head on! 

First of all (this is strangely starting to resemble one of my infamous lists), we are thinking of getting some chickens.  All we need to do is tackle the weeds in the chicken coop (no light task!) and put a top on it so the wild beasts that roam the farm can't attack them and enjoy tasty chicken thighs for dinner.

Can't afford a new weedeater, but I am certainly not above borrowing Dad's.  Gotta love the borrow method.  Ugh.

And those dang cows...they need a good tipping.  Instead, after recalling our cattle guard from my childhood, I am rigging up streamers on the fence that will hopefully keep them OUT of the yard.  It is thought cows have no depth perception, and if you put streamers up that they can't see well through, they won't pass them.  We are about to put the theory to the test.  So, yes, if you come to our house it will look a little trashy for a few weeks.  I am hoping to remove the streamers after the cows have been broken. 

I went to the nursery yesterday and looked at flowers.  I just don't want to spend a fortune, but it would be nice to add something to the yard and get it spruced up.  I think I'll also have a little patio garden in totes this year, if I can't do anything else.  I've always taken pride that our garden was started from scratch, but I guess who cares, right?  No one cared besides Randy and I. 

It doesn't look like it's going to be the Summer of Jill, but who can tell.  Maybe something wonderful will happen.

I have a little lift in my heel and a spring in my step, so I'm off my period and on the mend.  Come on, Energy, do your thing.

Yeah, I'm talkin' to you!

Monkey Minded Jill

"I am burdened with what the Buddhists call the 'monkey mind' -- the thoughts that swing from limb to limb, stopping only to scratch themselves, spit and howl."

Elizabeth Gilbert

Don't Poke The Bear

I think I will just chalk Spring 2011 up as The Spring I Had My Period.  It is April 16th.  With the exception of exactly 1 week, I have been on my period since February 12th.  This is NOT a period blog, I swear.  But how can I be expected to talk about anything else at this point?!  I almost feel like I just might go insane, if I had the energy for it.

So I started and stopped 7 wks later (shy by one day).  I am completely off for 1 wk.  Then I start again, and it's been over a week this time, and I have no idea when I will stop.  As the saying goes, I'm sick and tired of being sick and tired.  And we're not talking a little light bleeding.  We're talking...cramping, sitting on a towel at work, stripping my sheets at 6 am kind of bleeding.  I don't want to be touched, I don't want to be talked to - the only thing I want is a nap.

So, as un-prepared as I feel for it, I have begun thinking hysterectomy.  It might be the best thing for me.  Every doctor I've had eventually tells me to have one, except my current gyn.  He mentioned it, but said he'd do everything possible to keep me from having one.  It's going to be very ironic if I have to have one, considering I could have done it years ago, and I could have seemingly escaped everything I've gone through the past...I don't know...decade, at least.  But I think people have to complete their journey. 

I had a conversation with a friend not very long ago, that ended with hormonal tears and hysterics on my part, much to my embarrassment.  And it all boiled down to this: I have not accepted things for the way they really are, and am not thankful enough for what I have.  I have not gotten to the point where I can respond the right way, say the right things, and don't have jealousy or discontentment. 

I do NOT feel this is a big test from God, but that isn't to say I can't be learning from the things I am going through.  I am not being punished by a higher power, of that I am sure.  I have felt it at times, but then I just ask myself, "for what?" and since I can't answer that, I don't believe it's true.

I do know my friend ended up getting exactly what she wanted, for which I am very thankful.  She truly believes she had gotten to the point she had accepted infertility if it had not been resolved.  I certainly cannot say she did or didn't.  But I've been through that revolving door.  You have mixed emotions; sometimes you feel accepting and peaceful, and other times, you feel resentful and bitter.  Right now, I'm somewhere in the middle.  I do know I watched the Lord help her through her situation.  I am glad God saw fit to bless her during this heart and mind change. 

That is one reason I know my blessing is not just right around the corner.  I have so many issues to work through (one of the reasons I started blogging), and I just feel like it's a long process right now.  And I've had this thought numerous times; what if I act like a whiny baby, complain, complain, complain, basically kick and scream on the floor like a child in a fit, and then I get pregnant?  Would I expect everyone to be thrilled for me?!  NO!!!!  I honestly want the best for others, I love watching beautiful families raise well-adjusted little people ;) , and I enjoy just seeing life naturally evolve.  The circle of life is amazing! 

Anyway, I don't want my attitude to get any worse.  That's not what this writing is about.  I think right now I'm just a physical and emotional wreck.  I've withdrawn from everyone, not because I'm mad, necessarily, but because even I need a break from me!  I can only imagine other people do as well!  I don't want to talk.  I don't want to place a big fakey smile on my face.  I don't want to participate in anything.  I should have a sign that says

Hey, that's my chin hair!



The Hilarity That Is "Court"

Under normal circumstances, going to court is NEVER funny.  Except Wednesday.

Okay, so our situation could be classified as anything but amusing.  In fact, I find it depressing and sad, and even worse for my husband.  As before mentioned, he has not seen his children in a number of years, but we have a court ordered child support amount we usually faithfully send off each month, attn: Child Support Payment Center of Missouri.  But work has been very spotty for Randy lately, and we've had to go to court a few times over it.  (Maybe I should tell the whole story so you're not muttering "deadbeat" to yourself.  If it helps you, I can tell you we've paid over 23K the last 2 years.)

Anway, YIKES, we didn't have our child support payment ready for April 13th.  So we trudge off to court.  I take a sick day (I now only have 3 hours left until November, so I can't even take a Saturday off, which I'm royally ticked off about.), we travel all the way to Lexington, and sit until our case is called.  In the meantime, we listen to all the other cases in the courtroom.  (We were the very last ones called that day.)

That morning, we left the house upset, abased, beat down, nervous, scared; basically dreading the day ahead of us.  We talked about what to do is scenarios A, B, & C.  What should be said to the judge.  What we will do to get back on track (allllll those arrears dollars are piling up once again).  What steps need to be taken so we aren't living under a bridge.  You get the point.  Then the next few hours were spent trying to ignore our situation, without much luck. 

Well, we get into the courtroom, and the first person called didn't show up, so there is a warrant placed for his arrest.  The judge makes a snide comment to the secretary, prosecuting attorney, and bailiff about his bet being right.  First one out the gate is a no show!

The second man called is a wiley prisoner in an orange jump suit and shackles.  His hair is a wild mess, he stands at least 6'3", he has a madcap look in his eye...he wants to crow about his situation! (Don't we all!)  He beligerantly begins to talk, even when not spoken to, which makes the judge furious.  He's in trouble right off the bat.  I'm immediately interested.  (In court, you try to be polite by not listening too closely to everyone's personal details, but I have to admit, by this time, I was leaned forward, trying to get the whole story.)

So apparently, the man was released from a halfway house, and not a day later, is arrested for some kind of lawless behavior.  After his arrest, he absconded the police and court system by leaving town.  Here he wildly interupts he did not abscond (spoken like a dirty word), but worked out of town and had to leave.  The judge rifles through his paperwork, nods, and agrees that it does show the man works for the circus.  Again, a tempestuous interjection - "I work for the carnival, not the circus!"  Hehe.  Of course he does.  But after just a few questions, he folds and admits he did not have to leave town with the circus.  At this time he goes into full blather.

"Your Honor, I was afraid for my life.  I was at a party (of this I have no doubt), and I was threatened by a GIANT!  He would have killed me!"  Bahahahaha.  Did I mention this guy is fairly towering himself?  Who is the crazy giant he's afraid of?!  So he fled from the murderous giant AND the law.  How convenient.  (Well, actually not convenient, since he's standing there in chains.)  The last thing we hear before he's carried away is "I never absconded, and I'll deny it 'til the day I die!"

Soooo...even if it didn't put the judge in a better mood, it did us.  I had to look at the floor a few times so as not to giggle.  Now, I really am a compassionate person.  In fact, I think sometimes Randy and I are too sympathetic to people caught up in the judicical system, because we know things aren't always as they seem.  And even this unfortuante fellow...but for the grace of God, go I.  But sometimes amusing situations lighten the mood, and that's certainly what happened Wednesday.

As horrible as going to court over child support is, sometimes it validates us a little bit.  It's like playing the child's learning game "Which One Doesn't Fit?"  We look around at sleazy daddies who don't want to support the kids they brought into this world, or work for a living.  We see trashy mamas with ripped jeans and plastic nails who are trying to weasle another dime from the court system for kids they don't deserve.  I look at my husband and see a dejected man who has trouble holding his head up, that would love to have a relationship with his children, but he certainly doesn't fit in that room.

I should mention, our case went better than it ever has.  Randy walked up to the judge, the prosecutor looked for just a second at her paperwork, turned around and said, "You have an excellent pay history.  Would you like to continue this until May 19th?" 

So, the countdown for the next month has begun.  I feel like I'm in a pressure cooker, and my life is in a vise grip.  But I desperately needed a little laugh, and got it.  As I write this, it feels like at someone else's expense.  :(  Hoping the wild man in orange gets it right eventually....

Deep Thoughts

Randy:  "Whatcha day dreamin' about?"
Me:  "Giving birth on all fours."  (Long Pause)  "You?"
Randy:  "Fishin'." 

:)

Foiled Again

Foiled once again!  It's been exactly a week, and I've started my period before I am supposed to.  The Norethendrone is supposed to cause a cycle appx. 3 days after you stop your 2 wk round, but nope.  Not for me.  I'm only halfway through with my round, and I've started a period.  What is going on with me?! 

It's so hard right now.  I already feel tired.  And a little bummed.  :( 

I managed to wrangle a copy of Taking Charge of Your Fertility - overwhelming, but awesome!  I'm going to enjoy reading that, although it's going to take me awhile.  I am up for the TCOYF challenge!  :D  I think it's going to be as informative as everyone says, but I'm not sure it'll be able to shed any light on my situation at all.  I am hoping to get a few ducks in a row before summer.  I'd like to enjoy the warm weather and much-needed sunshine, but today I feel a bit down. 

Long Talk

I love long talks with my husband.  We were discussing my blog last night, and visited the subject of our infertility.  Believe it or not, it doesn't come up that often.  Is it healthy to talk about?  I think sometimes, but it can't be at the forefront of our entire marriage all the time.

He said he was proud of me for being creative and brave enough to write about it, but concerned the motivation for it might be because he isn't giving me enough support.  That statement alone was supportive!  I felt cared about, and let's face it, that's one of the best feelings in the world.

Here's what I love about me and Randy:

We love each other no matter what.  I don't have to do one thing to earn his love, like lose weight or be able to have children.  And he doesn't have to be anyone besides himself.  I adore him just the way he is.  If it's just us the rest of our lives...how bad can that be?  Not that bad, let me tell you!  :)  Does that mean I can decide not to want what I want?  Noooo.  In fact, because I already like what our family is, I think being parents together would just add more to it. 

Which brings up a subject that I will most likely get a lot of heat for.  Married people are a couple, I think we can all agree on that.  They're also a family, people!  It makes me so angry to hear parents of their first baby say, "We're finally a family."  How sad that you didn't consider your husband/wife your family before you had a baby together.  My husband is my life.  I would sacrifice anything for him, he's the person I want to spend every day with, he's the one I count on...I often feel we're extensions of one another.  Yes, the love you have for your child, I must imagine, is different than that you feel for your spouse.  But could people please refer to Randy and me as a family? 

The Ayers Family.  Has a nice ring to it!  :)

Baby Steps

I believe after 49 days on my period, IT'S FINALLY GONE!  Thank You, Lord, and thank you, Norethendrone.  Ahhh.  I feel a little bit better, anyway.  I sure hope it's not an April Fool's joke from the period gods (as if I believed in them anyway!).  Last week I stopped for a day and a half, so I'm stepping lightly, trying not to be too overly excited.  But as far as I know...gone!  :)

I went to a coupon class last night by one of these extreme couponers.  Brain overload.  That's all I can say.  I'm going to spend a few hours if I can this afternoon looking up all my stuff.  I realize this has nothing to do with my blog subject matter, but I was thinking about it. 

TTFN!!!!

My Story

This is going to be information overload, but it might help before I continue blogging any more to let you know where I'm coming from.  Infertility has overshadowed quite a bit in my life, but sometimes it can be amusing, as well.  I hope my blog conveys all of my varying emotions, but this post isn't going to be emotional.  I am just going to simply explain what I have been diagnosed with, my symptoms, and where I am now.  I have no pride left...

I started my period when I was 11 yrs old; NOT excited like some little girls, and VERY confused.  My mother had never talked about cycles with me, and it probably would have registered (thanks in part to "Are You There, Lord?  I'ts Me, Margaret), but instead of typical blood, what I saw was a black, tarrish sticky substance and I was highly concerned.  After talking to a girlfriend that was older and had started her period already, I told my mom.  I embarrassingly took the pads she handed me, she kinda sorta told me what to expect, and as I was walking out of our yard to catch the bus, she yelled, "Don't flush the pads down the toilet!"  Jeni eyed me quizically, and I wanted the earth to swallow me up whole.  The blood became more of what it should be, but it kept going, and going...and going.  When I asked Mom to buy me more pads, she asked me if I'd started another period.  When I told her I'd been having a period for the entire month, she was concerned.  At three months, she went to her obgyn and told him that I'd been bleeding for 3 months straight.  He calmly assured her many young girls take awhile to get evened out.  We were both relieved at about day 90 when it stopped.

I didn't get another period for 9 months, when I was 12.  My periods were never normal, and I never knew when to expect them or how long they would last, although I didn't have a repeat of my first period for several years.  But at about 12 or 13, I was developing strange irregularities, like extremely dark patches on the skin around my knuckles and on the folds of my neck.  Eventually, it spread to my inner thighs (by far the worst of it), around my ankles, and under my arms.  The hair on my arms was horribly thick, and I was embarrassed.  I felt unattractive, although at this age, I hadn't started gaining weight yet.

At 15 or 16, I started struggling with weight.  Jeni and I had always shared clothes, but all of a sudden, I couldn't fit into her skirts, and my belly was pouchy.  My face had always been rather full, but overnight, it seemed, I didn't have a chin!  My periods were still very irregular.  At 17, I started dating Randy, and managed to gain even more weight.  I was not quite 18 when we got married, and we openly discussed my inability to get pregnant beforehand.  I had seen a cousin of mine struggle with infertility, and I knew I displayed a lot of symptoms she did, and my periods were not normal at all.  On our wedding day, I was a size 18, overweight and unhealthy.  And so happy!  :)

I was put on birth control after not having a period for 7 months, and it was horrible.  It made me start a period, and I now know my heavy uterine lining (monthly periods cause it to shed, and if you don't cycle, it gets thick) was shedding from the months of build-up.  I was in agony.  The next month, I took it again, and had an even worse cycle.  I remember we had just moved into our first house, and I was up on a stepstool changing a lightbulb in the kitchen.  I had a cramp, and before I could move, I looked down to see blood gushing onto my feet, the stool, the kitchen floor...very scary.  I was at my mom's visiting the next evening, and it happened again.  This time I at least made it to the bathroom after recognizing the painful cramping.

I now wish I'd have stayed on birth control, I guess.  At the time, I just knew I couldn't continue on like that each month, but now I realize my periods would have gotten lighter.  So after 2 months, we did nothing to prevent pregnancy.  It was obvious infertility was an issue during that year.  My doctor calmly informed me I would never have a child.  No diagnosis.  No explanation.  He exited the room without a word, leaving a stunned 18 yr old on the exam table.  So by now I had irregular cycles, sideburns and chin hair appearing, acne...and then the worst thing, by far...my marriage was disintegrating.

By our 3rd anniversary, I was depressed, and actually suffered from some kind of mental breakdown.  I was so tired (depressed maybe), I remember wanting a glass of juice one morning, going to the fridge, and then deciding I didn't have the energy to pour it.  While putting items up from the store one afternoon, for whatever confused reason, I tried putting a bulk package of toilet paper in the refrigerator, and then sat on the floor in tears because it wouldn't all fit.  Our collective life was a mess, and our individual lives were in shambles, too.  I left...we were separated for over 9 years.  We loved each other, we knew, but couldn't make it work.  I stayed in a state of depression and lonliness, while he drowned himself in drugs and alcohol.

During that time, I suffered with fatigue, obesity, irregular periods, non-existant periods for 2 of those years, annovulation, hirsutism (male-pattern hair growth), acanthosis nigricans (the darkening skin as a result of insulin build-up I found out later), insulin resistance, oily skin, headaches, depression, mood swings, weepiness, soft tissue cysts, ovarian cysts, back pain, severe abdominal pain, muscle pain and weakness, anemia...I can't even think of everything I've experienced.  Sometimes I will have months of feeling great, and then my body wears down and I'll be exhausted for months on end.  I have been on Metformin for insulin resistance, Provera (and other similiar drugs) to stop or start a period, iron injections whenever I become anemic, taken birth control just to regulate me which never works over 2-3 months...I can't think of what all I've taken through the years.

Also during this time, a woman in our church read an article and clipped it out for me on a disorder called Polycystic Ovarian Syndrome.  (PCOS or PCOD)  I'd never heard about it, but the article described me to a T.  I took it to my endocrinologist.  He confirmed that is indeed what I had, and with that diagnosis, there was a bit of panic.  No one, even doctors, knew anything (or very little) about it, and thought it was much more serious than it is.  Of course, I've read articles that make PCOS sound like a mere inconvenience, which is also false.  There are times when it feels it controls my life.  Now the internet is flooded with articles about PCOS, so I've learned a lot and tried to educate myself. 

Knowledge = power!  I encourage you to learn everything you can if you believe you are suffering from this disease.  And chart EVERYTHING!  You will begin seeing patterns, you will find out more on your own than any doctor will tell you in a 20 minute visit, and even though you can't control it, you will make it harder for PCOS to control you.

During the time Randy and I were separated, he had two children with another woman.  (I will probably go more into this later, since it has caused me painful moments in my infertility journey.) 

A little over 4 yrs ago, Randy came back to God and to me.  We've made it work, and honestly, it hasn't been the struggle you might imagine.  His beautiful children don't live with us...in fact, he hasn't seen them in 4 1/2 yrs.  We love each other, we love our life in lots of ways, and God is doing a work.  Since we have been back together, I have suffered with all of the above, with the exception of depression and overwhelming fatigue.  My body still "gives out" so to speak, but I try pressing on.  I will say right here that it is difficult having a disorder when you feel like you can't get out of bed, but no one can see it on the outside.  There are outward signs, but most people don't know what I go through a majority of the time. 

We have suffered with infertility once again for over 4 years.  I've had to have 2 colposcopies and 1 cryosurgery.  I had a 91 day period 2 yrs ago.  After that, I had to have my uterine lining flushed.  Embarrassing!  During my exam it looks like someone slaughtered a chicken on the table.  I wanted to be put out just to avoid the embarrassment.  My doctor was sweet, but I still cried.

However, this October, I started a period on my own on the 25th, my birthday.  (It may be significant to say I'd lost 21 lbs.  I am not convinced it was the amount of weight, but how I lost it, possibly.  I got off of sugar, carbs - see my other blog.)  Anyway, I bled 3 days very lightly, and had a prescription for Clomiphene (Clomid, to help with ovulation) which I filled after talking to my friend, Teri.  WE (and I love that I can talk about this to a girlfriend and get actual feedback because she knows what's what) decided that I should take a round of it, even though I was off my period by day 5, which is when you're supposed to start taking it.  Of course, my husband and I actually decided, but Teri was my voice of reason.  "It can't hurt, right?"  No, it can't!  :)

I OVULATED!!!!!!  I cannot even begin to tell you how excited I was.  On November 7th, I got a positive on an OPK test.  The next day, I anxiously awaited a negative, which I got.  You aren't supposed to get positives 2 days in a row, as it detects your LH surge, and then dips down.  It will detect only the peak, so 2 positives in a row means they are false positives.  Randy and I babydanced on all the right days. Everything was going great.  YES!  Could this be happening?!

I had never experienced ovulation in my entire adult life, and so the signs were strange to me, and I convinced myself I was pregnant.  It's humiliating to think of being that gullible, but I was so sure.  But on November 30th, I started my period.  I was still excited, though.  A normal cycle length!  :)  I took Clomid again.  I ovulated on December 16th.  Timed babydancing.  I took another round.  Let me interject for those not familiar with Clomid.  OMGOSH.  Horrible hot flashes.  I can't even begin to explain how horrible.  Waves of heated nausea where I would run outside while the snow swirled around me.  Drowning in sweat at night.  Besides that, I didn't have terrible side effects.  And I figured it was well worth it.  I was taking 100 mgs, a double dose, so that might explain it.  I ovulated again on January 18th.  Three cycles in a row!  I started my period on February 12th.  My nurse (I love her!) at Dr. Hamilton's office was so excited for me.  She told me to come into the office that she had some concieving and pregnancy magazines for me.  Teri was excited for me.  Randy was somewhat reserved, but excited, too.  We have more to lose than anyone in this, so it's almost hard to get excited, and he said he didn't want me to be disappointed.  I understand.

However, this is March 30th, and I haven't stopped my period.  That is 44 days of bleeding.  My doctor doesn't know why, because usually when this happens it's because I haven't cycled in so long that my uterine lining becomes too thick and tries to shed.  My hemoglobin count got down to 8.5.  I've had iron injections and was given a shot of Provera.  It didn't help.  I have been using castor oil treatments (I'll explain later) for almost a week, and it's gotten lighter.  I feel better the last 3 days or so.  I started another drug the doctor called in for me yesterday, so we'll see.

This can't really cover my journey with PCOS.  I'll probably kick myself at 3 am tonight about leaving something important out.  I am now 33 years old, so I've been battling infertility for 16 years.  All I can tell myself is it ain't over yet!  I am trying to get my weight under control so that I will have a better chance of getting pregnant.  You read over and over that it helps, and that a lot of women become more fertile the more weight they lose.  The only reason I have for not believing that it is such in my case is that I've had PCOS since I was a scrawny 11 year old, and most women don't get it until they are in their mid-twenties.  But I am doing it to get healthier, to be more attractive, and so that I will know if I come to the place that it never happens for me, I will have done everything in my power to overcome PCOS odds.  To all my cysters, I love you all and wish you the best!  Never give up hope.

Small Thoughts

I am Jill...Wife, Sister, Daughter, Auntie, Friend. But above all, Barren Woman. This is how I define myself.

Infertility comes traipsing into my thoughts, uninvited, at least a few times every day. Sometimes hundreds. It prompts jealousies and barriers, is the cause of (sometimes woeful) prayers, has created special bonds in friendships, is the topic of many conversations, has made me shed many tears, and ultimately shaped me into the woman I have become. I feel like a lone island; dense earth unable to move while a sea of blissful people swell around me. 

It is sickening that the most natural thing in life, pro-creating, has elluded me. It should be so simple! Every five seconds, a baby is born. My biological clock is ticking so loudly at this point, it drowns everything else out, and it all goes by so swiftly. Whooosh! Gone! Will I ever wiggle my way into that statistic? At this rate, highly doubtful. Five seconds, five months, five years...all over in the blink of an eye.

Is there a grand plan, or is it all complete randomness? Am I just one woman out of many who is unable to conceive? There are infertile women everywhere. Am I just one of them? Or...is God looking down on me, with a master plan? Knowing it could spoken into existance by the Creator makes me feel like He doesn't care about me or love me.  After every unwanted thought about infertility, I chant to myself that this cannot possibly be true.  He has given me so many gifts in my life.

But my flesh and heart faileth. I'm exhausted. Lord, where are You?! Will You move for me, or am I as utterly forsaken as I feel?