Small Thoughts

I am Jill...Wife, Sister, Daughter, Auntie, Friend. But above all, Barren Woman. This is how I define myself.

Infertility comes traipsing into my thoughts, uninvited, at least a few times every day. Sometimes hundreds. It prompts jealousies and barriers, is the cause of (sometimes woeful) prayers, has created special bonds in friendships, is the topic of many conversations, has made me shed many tears, and ultimately shaped me into the woman I have become. I feel like a lone island; dense earth unable to move while a sea of blissful people swell around me. 

It is sickening that the most natural thing in life, pro-creating, has elluded me. It should be so simple! Every five seconds, a baby is born. My biological clock is ticking so loudly at this point, it drowns everything else out, and it all goes by so swiftly. Whooosh! Gone! Will I ever wiggle my way into that statistic? At this rate, highly doubtful. Five seconds, five months, five years...all over in the blink of an eye.

Is there a grand plan, or is it all complete randomness? Am I just one woman out of many who is unable to conceive? There are infertile women everywhere. Am I just one of them? Or...is God looking down on me, with a master plan? Knowing it could spoken into existance by the Creator makes me feel like He doesn't care about me or love me.  After every unwanted thought about infertility, I chant to myself that this cannot possibly be true.  He has given me so many gifts in my life.

But my flesh and heart faileth. I'm exhausted. Lord, where are You?! Will You move for me, or am I as utterly forsaken as I feel?