So I started and stopped 7 wks later (shy by one day). I am completely off for 1 wk. Then I start again, and it's been over a week this time, and I have no idea when I will stop. As the saying goes, I'm sick and tired of being sick and tired. And we're not talking a little light bleeding. We're talking...cramping, sitting on a towel at work, stripping my sheets at 6 am kind of bleeding. I don't want to be touched, I don't want to be talked to - the only thing I want is a nap.
So, as un-prepared as I feel for it, I have begun thinking hysterectomy. It might be the best thing for me. Every doctor I've had eventually tells me to have one, except my current gyn. He mentioned it, but said he'd do everything possible to keep me from having one. It's going to be very ironic if I have to have one, considering I could have done it years ago, and I could have seemingly escaped everything I've gone through the past...I don't know...decade, at least. But I think people have to complete their journey.
I had a conversation with a friend not very long ago, that ended with hormonal tears and hysterics on my part, much to my embarrassment. And it all boiled down to this: I have not accepted things for the way they really are, and am not thankful enough for what I have. I have not gotten to the point where I can respond the right way, say the right things, and don't have jealousy or discontentment.
I do NOT feel this is a big test from God, but that isn't to say I can't be learning from the things I am going through. I am not being punished by a higher power, of that I am sure. I have felt it at times, but then I just ask myself, "for what?" and since I can't answer that, I don't believe it's true.
I do know my friend ended up getting exactly what she wanted, for which I am very thankful. She truly believes she had gotten to the point she had accepted infertility if it had not been resolved. I certainly cannot say she did or didn't. But I've been through that revolving door. You have mixed emotions; sometimes you feel accepting and peaceful, and other times, you feel resentful and bitter. Right now, I'm somewhere in the middle. I do know I watched the Lord help her through her situation. I am glad God saw fit to bless her during this heart and mind change.
That is one reason I know my blessing is not just right around the corner. I have so many issues to work through (one of the reasons I started blogging), and I just feel like it's a long process right now. And I've had this thought numerous times; what if I act like a whiny baby, complain, complain, complain, basically kick and scream on the floor like a child in a fit, and then I get pregnant? Would I expect everyone to be thrilled for me?! NO!!!! I honestly want the best for others, I love watching beautiful families raise well-adjusted little people ;) , and I enjoy just seeing life naturally evolve. The circle of life is amazing!
Anyway, I don't want my attitude to get any worse. That's not what this writing is about. I think right now I'm just a physical and emotional wreck. I've withdrawn from everyone, not because I'm mad, necessarily, but because even I need a break from me! I can only imagine other people do as well! I don't want to talk. I don't want to place a big fakey smile on my face. I don't want to participate in anything. I should have a sign that says
Hey, that's my chin hair!
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