Secondary Infertility

I have given secondary infertility much thought, shamefully only after it was brought to my attention, and it was an eye-opener for me.  A real "ahh haa" moment. 

I was reading a blog the other day, and it was a list of things you should never say to an infertile couple.  Well, I hopped off, re-read a note I'd already posted on FB, and hurled out my own blog post.  Then I thought about the things she said, and there was one I had never considered.  It said not to tell someone with secondary infertility that, "At least they got one baby," or something along that line.  Hmmmm.

Could it be, that I, Little Miss More-Sensitive-Than-Thou, could have thought rudely of someone with secondary infertility?!  Wow.  I was smacked in the face with my own bad attitude.  Although I had never said anything aloud to anyone except my best friend, I had secretly thought many times, "What is the big deal?!  You had one, didn't you?  At least you experienced being pregnant, and giving birth, and cuddling a baby, and .... and, and, and."

I have a relative that was unable to conceive after her first son was born, and she'd tell me, "I know exactly how you feel.  I always wanted more."  It would boil my blood, and I felt like snapping back, "Really?!  You know how I feel?  I guess I'm confused, because I thought you had given birth."  I firmly stand by saying she didn't, and still doesn't, know how I feel, and I sure wish she hadn't said it to me, but infertility affects even women with children, which most of us childless people don't like to admit.

Here is what I believe.  Women deserve the choice. 

And when that right to choose is taken away by infertility, women inherently feel cheated.  Yes, I believe living childless forever is different than not getting a second, third, tenth child, but infertility hurts.  Badly.

I will never again look down on a woman for wanting, and not getting, a child she yearns for.  I see the error of my ways, and feel ashamed for the way I have thought to myself, over and over, considering myself in a much worse place to be. 

It's not a contest.  I don't have the corner on hurting. Goodness, that was hard to say...