I confuse myself.  I want to be this healthy-eating hippie, baby in a sling, bare feet in the dirt, expression of love.  But honestly, that's not me. 

I hate that I love:
high heels
make-up
fake fingernails
body waxing (yup, nothing quite like a sphinx)
shaved legs and underarms
pizza
cake
black clothes (very slimming!)


Hmmm...makes me wonder...if I had enough money for things not to be a worry, what kind of clothes and food would I buy?  And would I visit Alyson for a bikini wax?!  (YES! to the second question!!)

Being Strong

A friend on FB posted this a few days ago, and of course, it's been lodged into my brain ever since.

"Giving up doesn't always mean you're weak.  Sometimes it means you are strong enough to let go."

I am in a much better place, both physically and emotionally, than I was a few days ago.  However, I look at this year so far, and it seems I've never been further away from fertility and good health.  I have made an appointment with a new doctor, Dr. Bell, for August 9th, to discuss a hysterectomy.  After I made the appointment, I sat in my office and sniffled a little bit, and then have cried a few times at home by myself, wondering if this is the right direction for me right now.  Dr. Bell is very knowledgeable in women's health, and has been practicing for a long time, and is very hard to get into.  (Thank you, Jeni, for your medical connections.  haha)

I just don't know if I can face this, but I also don't believe I can continue on living the way I have this year, and really, for many years now.  I'm very tired of it all.  But I'm so afraid of making a decision I can't live with.  And the term, "I can't live with," in all actuality, is a bit over-amplified, isn't it?  I mean, my heart will go on beating.  It will not break in two.  I have been so grieved before, that my chest really did hurt and feel broken.  Is that what it will feel like?  For how long?  Will I be resentful, jealous, or (even scarier), very depressed?  I act like I have nothing to do with how I will react!  How silly.

I am STRONG.  I will survive, and be happy.  Somehow, I will.  My prayer is that God grants me the strength to become in life what I am supposed to be.  That I am able to do what I was put on this earth to do.  That He helps me each day become a brighter light, for myself and others, instead of being frail and weak.  And if being strong means I must let go of something, I can do it.

Jill's Stats

My bleeding has slowed waaaaayyyyyy down (TY TY TY for the silver bullet, Bethany!!!), for which I am very thankful! (Will blog on the silver bullet later.) 

Maybe I'm down 'cause my stats are as follows:

201 day in the year 2011 so far.
Have been on my period 134 of those day.
Have been off my period only 67 days this year.
Have been on my period since May 11th (except for 4 days).
Can't have sex.  (Wouldn't want to if I could!!)
Can't go one hour without a tampon or pad.
Think about napping 100% of my awake time.
Simultaneously think about infertility while thinking about napping.
Want to eat bread doused in sugar while thinking about napping and infertility. 
I have begun dreaming about napping, infertility, and sugared bread.  Oh, and soda.


Feh.  Still fighting tears today.  I will be perkier, livelier, funnier, and happier in a few days.  I just know it.

Totally Without Energy

I am not posting a lot lately, but it's because I don't have the wherewithal to even vocalize how physically ill I feel, how discouraged and down I am inside, much less give an account of everything my body and mind are going through at this point.  Maybe later.

Discouraged

I just do not know where to go from here.  I got out my calendar yesterday afternoon, and began to count my cycles.  As of today, I have been on my period straight for 58 days.  So far this year, there have been 189 days;  I have been on my period for 124 of them.  124 days.

I feel so discouraged.  I started Norethindrone days ago, and am hoping to stop my period today or tomorrow.  My body feels so run down.  I feel lazy, don't want to do housework, come to my job, go anywhere...I am exhausted.

None of options are appealing to me.  Even though a hysterectomy would technically take care of the bleeding, it wouldn't cure my PCOS, interestingly enough.  And the past few years, I can't seem to come to terms with that alternative. 

I am just not sure what to do anymore...

4th of July

Janell's baby was born at 12:51 am on the 4th of July.