I am so ashamed to admit I took a coward's way out this weekend to avoid an unpleasant situation and face another heart-breaking moment for me. I just couldn't see a pregnant person Saturday....
Which makes me re-visit a question I've asked myself many times, without a good answer. Why do some women's pregnancies bother me, and others' do not? This person was a relative, no less! :( I am disappointed in myself.
Monday, June 13, 2011
Thursday, June 9, 2011
Secondary Infertility
I have given secondary infertility much thought, shamefully only after it was brought to my attention, and it was an eye-opener for me. A real "ahh haa" moment.
I was reading a blog the other day, and it was a list of things you should never say to an infertile couple. Well, I hopped off, re-read a note I'd already posted on FB, and hurled out my own blog post. Then I thought about the things she said, and there was one I had never considered. It said not to tell someone with secondary infertility that, "At least they got one baby," or something along that line. Hmmmm.
Could it be, that I, Little Miss More-Sensitive-Than-Thou, could have thought rudely of someone with secondary infertility?! Wow. I was smacked in the face with my own bad attitude. Although I had never said anything aloud to anyone except my best friend, I had secretly thought many times, "What is the big deal?! You had one, didn't you? At least you experienced being pregnant, and giving birth, and cuddling a baby, and .... and, and, and."
I have a relative that was unable to conceive after her first son was born, and she'd tell me, "I know exactly how you feel. I always wanted more." It would boil my blood, and I felt like snapping back, "Really?! You know how I feel? I guess I'm confused, because I thought you had given birth." I firmly stand by saying she didn't, and still doesn't, know how I feel, and I sure wish she hadn't said it to me, but infertility affects even women with children, which most of us childless people don't like to admit.
Here is what I believe. Women deserve the choice.
And when that right to choose is taken away by infertility, women inherently feel cheated. Yes, I believe living childless forever is different than not getting a second, third, tenth child, but infertility hurts. Badly.
I will never again look down on a woman for wanting, and not getting, a child she yearns for. I see the error of my ways, and feel ashamed for the way I have thought to myself, over and over, considering myself in a much worse place to be.
It's not a contest. I don't have the corner on hurting. Goodness, that was hard to say...
I was reading a blog the other day, and it was a list of things you should never say to an infertile couple. Well, I hopped off, re-read a note I'd already posted on FB, and hurled out my own blog post. Then I thought about the things she said, and there was one I had never considered. It said not to tell someone with secondary infertility that, "At least they got one baby," or something along that line. Hmmmm.
Could it be, that I, Little Miss More-Sensitive-Than-Thou, could have thought rudely of someone with secondary infertility?! Wow. I was smacked in the face with my own bad attitude. Although I had never said anything aloud to anyone except my best friend, I had secretly thought many times, "What is the big deal?! You had one, didn't you? At least you experienced being pregnant, and giving birth, and cuddling a baby, and .... and, and, and."
I have a relative that was unable to conceive after her first son was born, and she'd tell me, "I know exactly how you feel. I always wanted more." It would boil my blood, and I felt like snapping back, "Really?! You know how I feel? I guess I'm confused, because I thought you had given birth." I firmly stand by saying she didn't, and still doesn't, know how I feel, and I sure wish she hadn't said it to me, but infertility affects even women with children, which most of us childless people don't like to admit.
Here is what I believe. Women deserve the choice.
And when that right to choose is taken away by infertility, women inherently feel cheated. Yes, I believe living childless forever is different than not getting a second, third, tenth child, but infertility hurts. Badly.
I will never again look down on a woman for wanting, and not getting, a child she yearns for. I see the error of my ways, and feel ashamed for the way I have thought to myself, over and over, considering myself in a much worse place to be.
It's not a contest. I don't have the corner on hurting. Goodness, that was hard to say...
Infertility Video
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=IVPhzm4vdeM&feature=player_embedded
A dear friend thought of me enough to send me the above clip. <3
A dear friend thought of me enough to send me the above clip. <3
Monday, June 6, 2011
All Unwanted Advise Will Be Flushed
This post is a variation of a note I wrote on Facebook. I was a little angry at the time, and since I've calmed down, I think I can approach it in a more constructive way. My negativity is telling me the people that need to read this won't. What luck. My positivity is telling me most people in my life don't need to read it, because most people would never say anything cruel.
I read something this morning that reminded me of this, and started thinking about it. Here are my thoughts after an hour of stewing. Oh, yeah...a couple of years and an hour...
I did not put anything on this list that has not been said to me. Shocking. (And, Friends, if we've actually had a real conversation about any of these things, like prayer and meditation, or needing an answer, then I'm not talking to you. I'm talking to the flip statements that have been thrown at me from out of nowhere!)
Things You Should NEVER Say To An Infertile Couple:
When are you going to have children?
Probably never; about the same amount of time it'll take you to get a clue.
You need a vacation.
True, O Insensitive One, true. While I'm not aware that mosquito netting around a bed helps with conception, I could be wrong.
Just relax!
Just grow a brain.
Have you thought about elevating your pelvis...you know...afterward?
If his boys are too stupid to swim, maybe we shouldn't be fishing out of that pond. But thank you for telling me about my inferior sexual positions. Just what I always wanted to hear.
At least you're having fun trying!
Temping, charting, stressing... pills, shots, scheduled sex...yeah, it's all a real blast! Welcome to the fun side.
Are you sure you're unable to have children?
Are you sure you're not insane? I can get a doctor's note if it helps you.
Be humble enough to go up for prayer.
Yeah, because my pride is causing me not to ovulate. As if things weren't humiliating enough..."Could you pray I release a viable egg this month?" If people know our situation and care for us, then they are already praying.
All sickness is a lack of faith.
You should really consider working for hospice. I sense a calling...
Has God told you why? You should get an answer about it.
Will this be in the form of a ransom note? "Dear Jill, hand over the jealousy, and I hand over the baby." I joke! I don't think He minds.
You must have a vitamin deficiency.
Actually, I never have a sarcastic inner comment on this one. But it makes me say, "vitamin deficiency" in my head with an English accent. Try it. You'll be laughing in no time. I think it's the soft "i" in "vitamin".
In all sincerity, I do not mind having an intelligent conversation, or receiving well-researched (I didn't say well-intentioned) advise, or even questions about my infertility. I also appreciate all prayers, hugs, cards, smiles...thank you!
I was once at a ladies get-together, and a group of four women were talking about having more children. One turned to me, maybe to include me in the conversation I was obviously out of, and said, "You'd be doing good just to have one, Jill!" I was so stunned - I just stood there with my mouth open, my cheeks aflame. Another woman didn't miss a beat and said, "I think Jill's doing GREAT already!" very cheerfully, then expertly steered the talk in another direction. I am so appreciative of sweet, sensitive people. Others should learn to filter thoughts and words more appropriately.
Oh, and I should mention, it has occurred to me that I'm not the only one on the planet, but I just don't accept that right now. All mean statements are intended for me. Don't deny it.
I read something this morning that reminded me of this, and started thinking about it. Here are my thoughts after an hour of stewing. Oh, yeah...a couple of years and an hour...
I did not put anything on this list that has not been said to me. Shocking. (And, Friends, if we've actually had a real conversation about any of these things, like prayer and meditation, or needing an answer, then I'm not talking to you. I'm talking to the flip statements that have been thrown at me from out of nowhere!)
Things You Should NEVER Say To An Infertile Couple:
When are you going to have children?
Probably never; about the same amount of time it'll take you to get a clue.
You need a vacation.
True, O Insensitive One, true. While I'm not aware that mosquito netting around a bed helps with conception, I could be wrong.
Just relax!
Just grow a brain.
Have you thought about elevating your pelvis...you know...afterward?
If his boys are too stupid to swim, maybe we shouldn't be fishing out of that pond. But thank you for telling me about my inferior sexual positions. Just what I always wanted to hear.
At least you're having fun trying!
Temping, charting, stressing... pills, shots, scheduled sex...yeah, it's all a real blast! Welcome to the fun side.
Are you sure you're unable to have children?
Are you sure you're not insane? I can get a doctor's note if it helps you.
Be humble enough to go up for prayer.
Yeah, because my pride is causing me not to ovulate. As if things weren't humiliating enough..."Could you pray I release a viable egg this month?" If people know our situation and care for us, then they are already praying.
All sickness is a lack of faith.
You should really consider working for hospice. I sense a calling...
Has God told you why? You should get an answer about it.
Will this be in the form of a ransom note? "Dear Jill, hand over the jealousy, and I hand over the baby." I joke! I don't think He minds.
You must have a vitamin deficiency.
Actually, I never have a sarcastic inner comment on this one. But it makes me say, "vitamin deficiency" in my head with an English accent. Try it. You'll be laughing in no time. I think it's the soft "i" in "vitamin".
In all sincerity, I do not mind having an intelligent conversation, or receiving well-researched (I didn't say well-intentioned) advise, or even questions about my infertility. I also appreciate all prayers, hugs, cards, smiles...thank you!
I was once at a ladies get-together, and a group of four women were talking about having more children. One turned to me, maybe to include me in the conversation I was obviously out of, and said, "You'd be doing good just to have one, Jill!" I was so stunned - I just stood there with my mouth open, my cheeks aflame. Another woman didn't miss a beat and said, "I think Jill's doing GREAT already!" very cheerfully, then expertly steered the talk in another direction. I am so appreciative of sweet, sensitive people. Others should learn to filter thoughts and words more appropriately.
Oh, and I should mention, it has occurred to me that I'm not the only one on the planet, but I just don't accept that right now. All mean statements are intended for me. Don't deny it.
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