Cherish Life

It's so cliche, but a tragedy always brings things into perspective. 

We got a call this morning that a friend had passed away.  He was only 40 years old, with such a desire for a full, good life.  This wasn't a "Why, God?!" moment, but it was still quite a sad shock.

Before coming to work, I sat and thought about how blessed I really am.  Randy came up beside me with a hug.  I was holding my loved one while his wife was probably discussing her husband's funeral arrangments.  Maybe she's replaying their first date, or their wedding day, or the days their children were born, or even just their last mundane conversation - over and over in her mind. 

While his family mourns his loss, I am enjoying mine.  Which is, of course, the point.  Love your family and friends while you have time!  Cherish the moments you are allowed to spend with them!  When they are gone, you will have sorrow, as well as joy in the memories you have made with them.

I can't help but be reminded of the endless hours I have spent not enjoying my life and wishing for more.  I can't say that tomorrow I won't have those feelings again.  I'm human; I can be self-absorbed, ungrateful for my blessings, and wing-clipped with discontent, but for the moment, I have been pulled out of that muck and am seeing the world just a little higher from the ground.  Love is a miracle, and I am surrounded with it.

I pray for peace for his wife, children, parents, siblings..."blessed are those that mourn, for they shall be comforted."

Reuben Boyd

(holding one of his favorite girls, Miss Abigail)

Spring In My Step

I have emerged from my cave and am slowly rejoining the land of the living.  I have been lamenting over the fact that I now live in the country, but don't have any animals besides our dogs, can't have a garden, and our weedeater doesn't work properly so the corners of my beautiful yard look terrible.  The neighbor's cows are tearing up our yard, and we can't get the electric fence working.  Grr!  But physically, I feel better, or I wouldn't even be interested in springtime projects.

So to combat my frustration, I will tackle each of my problems head on! 

First of all (this is strangely starting to resemble one of my infamous lists), we are thinking of getting some chickens.  All we need to do is tackle the weeds in the chicken coop (no light task!) and put a top on it so the wild beasts that roam the farm can't attack them and enjoy tasty chicken thighs for dinner.

Can't afford a new weedeater, but I am certainly not above borrowing Dad's.  Gotta love the borrow method.  Ugh.

And those dang cows...they need a good tipping.  Instead, after recalling our cattle guard from my childhood, I am rigging up streamers on the fence that will hopefully keep them OUT of the yard.  It is thought cows have no depth perception, and if you put streamers up that they can't see well through, they won't pass them.  We are about to put the theory to the test.  So, yes, if you come to our house it will look a little trashy for a few weeks.  I am hoping to remove the streamers after the cows have been broken. 

I went to the nursery yesterday and looked at flowers.  I just don't want to spend a fortune, but it would be nice to add something to the yard and get it spruced up.  I think I'll also have a little patio garden in totes this year, if I can't do anything else.  I've always taken pride that our garden was started from scratch, but I guess who cares, right?  No one cared besides Randy and I. 

It doesn't look like it's going to be the Summer of Jill, but who can tell.  Maybe something wonderful will happen.

I have a little lift in my heel and a spring in my step, so I'm off my period and on the mend.  Come on, Energy, do your thing.

Yeah, I'm talkin' to you!

Monkey Minded Jill

"I am burdened with what the Buddhists call the 'monkey mind' -- the thoughts that swing from limb to limb, stopping only to scratch themselves, spit and howl."

Elizabeth Gilbert

Don't Poke The Bear

I think I will just chalk Spring 2011 up as The Spring I Had My Period.  It is April 16th.  With the exception of exactly 1 week, I have been on my period since February 12th.  This is NOT a period blog, I swear.  But how can I be expected to talk about anything else at this point?!  I almost feel like I just might go insane, if I had the energy for it.

So I started and stopped 7 wks later (shy by one day).  I am completely off for 1 wk.  Then I start again, and it's been over a week this time, and I have no idea when I will stop.  As the saying goes, I'm sick and tired of being sick and tired.  And we're not talking a little light bleeding.  We're talking...cramping, sitting on a towel at work, stripping my sheets at 6 am kind of bleeding.  I don't want to be touched, I don't want to be talked to - the only thing I want is a nap.

So, as un-prepared as I feel for it, I have begun thinking hysterectomy.  It might be the best thing for me.  Every doctor I've had eventually tells me to have one, except my current gyn.  He mentioned it, but said he'd do everything possible to keep me from having one.  It's going to be very ironic if I have to have one, considering I could have done it years ago, and I could have seemingly escaped everything I've gone through the past...I don't know...decade, at least.  But I think people have to complete their journey. 

I had a conversation with a friend not very long ago, that ended with hormonal tears and hysterics on my part, much to my embarrassment.  And it all boiled down to this: I have not accepted things for the way they really are, and am not thankful enough for what I have.  I have not gotten to the point where I can respond the right way, say the right things, and don't have jealousy or discontentment. 

I do NOT feel this is a big test from God, but that isn't to say I can't be learning from the things I am going through.  I am not being punished by a higher power, of that I am sure.  I have felt it at times, but then I just ask myself, "for what?" and since I can't answer that, I don't believe it's true.

I do know my friend ended up getting exactly what she wanted, for which I am very thankful.  She truly believes she had gotten to the point she had accepted infertility if it had not been resolved.  I certainly cannot say she did or didn't.  But I've been through that revolving door.  You have mixed emotions; sometimes you feel accepting and peaceful, and other times, you feel resentful and bitter.  Right now, I'm somewhere in the middle.  I do know I watched the Lord help her through her situation.  I am glad God saw fit to bless her during this heart and mind change. 

That is one reason I know my blessing is not just right around the corner.  I have so many issues to work through (one of the reasons I started blogging), and I just feel like it's a long process right now.  And I've had this thought numerous times; what if I act like a whiny baby, complain, complain, complain, basically kick and scream on the floor like a child in a fit, and then I get pregnant?  Would I expect everyone to be thrilled for me?!  NO!!!!  I honestly want the best for others, I love watching beautiful families raise well-adjusted little people ;) , and I enjoy just seeing life naturally evolve.  The circle of life is amazing! 

Anyway, I don't want my attitude to get any worse.  That's not what this writing is about.  I think right now I'm just a physical and emotional wreck.  I've withdrawn from everyone, not because I'm mad, necessarily, but because even I need a break from me!  I can only imagine other people do as well!  I don't want to talk.  I don't want to place a big fakey smile on my face.  I don't want to participate in anything.  I should have a sign that says

Hey, that's my chin hair!



The Hilarity That Is "Court"

Under normal circumstances, going to court is NEVER funny.  Except Wednesday.

Okay, so our situation could be classified as anything but amusing.  In fact, I find it depressing and sad, and even worse for my husband.  As before mentioned, he has not seen his children in a number of years, but we have a court ordered child support amount we usually faithfully send off each month, attn: Child Support Payment Center of Missouri.  But work has been very spotty for Randy lately, and we've had to go to court a few times over it.  (Maybe I should tell the whole story so you're not muttering "deadbeat" to yourself.  If it helps you, I can tell you we've paid over 23K the last 2 years.)

Anway, YIKES, we didn't have our child support payment ready for April 13th.  So we trudge off to court.  I take a sick day (I now only have 3 hours left until November, so I can't even take a Saturday off, which I'm royally ticked off about.), we travel all the way to Lexington, and sit until our case is called.  In the meantime, we listen to all the other cases in the courtroom.  (We were the very last ones called that day.)

That morning, we left the house upset, abased, beat down, nervous, scared; basically dreading the day ahead of us.  We talked about what to do is scenarios A, B, & C.  What should be said to the judge.  What we will do to get back on track (allllll those arrears dollars are piling up once again).  What steps need to be taken so we aren't living under a bridge.  You get the point.  Then the next few hours were spent trying to ignore our situation, without much luck. 

Well, we get into the courtroom, and the first person called didn't show up, so there is a warrant placed for his arrest.  The judge makes a snide comment to the secretary, prosecuting attorney, and bailiff about his bet being right.  First one out the gate is a no show!

The second man called is a wiley prisoner in an orange jump suit and shackles.  His hair is a wild mess, he stands at least 6'3", he has a madcap look in his eye...he wants to crow about his situation! (Don't we all!)  He beligerantly begins to talk, even when not spoken to, which makes the judge furious.  He's in trouble right off the bat.  I'm immediately interested.  (In court, you try to be polite by not listening too closely to everyone's personal details, but I have to admit, by this time, I was leaned forward, trying to get the whole story.)

So apparently, the man was released from a halfway house, and not a day later, is arrested for some kind of lawless behavior.  After his arrest, he absconded the police and court system by leaving town.  Here he wildly interupts he did not abscond (spoken like a dirty word), but worked out of town and had to leave.  The judge rifles through his paperwork, nods, and agrees that it does show the man works for the circus.  Again, a tempestuous interjection - "I work for the carnival, not the circus!"  Hehe.  Of course he does.  But after just a few questions, he folds and admits he did not have to leave town with the circus.  At this time he goes into full blather.

"Your Honor, I was afraid for my life.  I was at a party (of this I have no doubt), and I was threatened by a GIANT!  He would have killed me!"  Bahahahaha.  Did I mention this guy is fairly towering himself?  Who is the crazy giant he's afraid of?!  So he fled from the murderous giant AND the law.  How convenient.  (Well, actually not convenient, since he's standing there in chains.)  The last thing we hear before he's carried away is "I never absconded, and I'll deny it 'til the day I die!"

Soooo...even if it didn't put the judge in a better mood, it did us.  I had to look at the floor a few times so as not to giggle.  Now, I really am a compassionate person.  In fact, I think sometimes Randy and I are too sympathetic to people caught up in the judicical system, because we know things aren't always as they seem.  And even this unfortuante fellow...but for the grace of God, go I.  But sometimes amusing situations lighten the mood, and that's certainly what happened Wednesday.

As horrible as going to court over child support is, sometimes it validates us a little bit.  It's like playing the child's learning game "Which One Doesn't Fit?"  We look around at sleazy daddies who don't want to support the kids they brought into this world, or work for a living.  We see trashy mamas with ripped jeans and plastic nails who are trying to weasle another dime from the court system for kids they don't deserve.  I look at my husband and see a dejected man who has trouble holding his head up, that would love to have a relationship with his children, but he certainly doesn't fit in that room.

I should mention, our case went better than it ever has.  Randy walked up to the judge, the prosecutor looked for just a second at her paperwork, turned around and said, "You have an excellent pay history.  Would you like to continue this until May 19th?" 

So, the countdown for the next month has begun.  I feel like I'm in a pressure cooker, and my life is in a vise grip.  But I desperately needed a little laugh, and got it.  As I write this, it feels like at someone else's expense.  :(  Hoping the wild man in orange gets it right eventually....

Deep Thoughts

Randy:  "Whatcha day dreamin' about?"
Me:  "Giving birth on all fours."  (Long Pause)  "You?"
Randy:  "Fishin'." 

:)

Foiled Again

Foiled once again!  It's been exactly a week, and I've started my period before I am supposed to.  The Norethendrone is supposed to cause a cycle appx. 3 days after you stop your 2 wk round, but nope.  Not for me.  I'm only halfway through with my round, and I've started a period.  What is going on with me?! 

It's so hard right now.  I already feel tired.  And a little bummed.  :( 

I managed to wrangle a copy of Taking Charge of Your Fertility - overwhelming, but awesome!  I'm going to enjoy reading that, although it's going to take me awhile.  I am up for the TCOYF challenge!  :D  I think it's going to be as informative as everyone says, but I'm not sure it'll be able to shed any light on my situation at all.  I am hoping to get a few ducks in a row before summer.  I'd like to enjoy the warm weather and much-needed sunshine, but today I feel a bit down. 

Long Talk

I love long talks with my husband.  We were discussing my blog last night, and visited the subject of our infertility.  Believe it or not, it doesn't come up that often.  Is it healthy to talk about?  I think sometimes, but it can't be at the forefront of our entire marriage all the time.

He said he was proud of me for being creative and brave enough to write about it, but concerned the motivation for it might be because he isn't giving me enough support.  That statement alone was supportive!  I felt cared about, and let's face it, that's one of the best feelings in the world.

Here's what I love about me and Randy:

We love each other no matter what.  I don't have to do one thing to earn his love, like lose weight or be able to have children.  And he doesn't have to be anyone besides himself.  I adore him just the way he is.  If it's just us the rest of our lives...how bad can that be?  Not that bad, let me tell you!  :)  Does that mean I can decide not to want what I want?  Noooo.  In fact, because I already like what our family is, I think being parents together would just add more to it. 

Which brings up a subject that I will most likely get a lot of heat for.  Married people are a couple, I think we can all agree on that.  They're also a family, people!  It makes me so angry to hear parents of their first baby say, "We're finally a family."  How sad that you didn't consider your husband/wife your family before you had a baby together.  My husband is my life.  I would sacrifice anything for him, he's the person I want to spend every day with, he's the one I count on...I often feel we're extensions of one another.  Yes, the love you have for your child, I must imagine, is different than that you feel for your spouse.  But could people please refer to Randy and me as a family? 

The Ayers Family.  Has a nice ring to it!  :)

Baby Steps

I believe after 49 days on my period, IT'S FINALLY GONE!  Thank You, Lord, and thank you, Norethendrone.  Ahhh.  I feel a little bit better, anyway.  I sure hope it's not an April Fool's joke from the period gods (as if I believed in them anyway!).  Last week I stopped for a day and a half, so I'm stepping lightly, trying not to be too overly excited.  But as far as I know...gone!  :)

I went to a coupon class last night by one of these extreme couponers.  Brain overload.  That's all I can say.  I'm going to spend a few hours if I can this afternoon looking up all my stuff.  I realize this has nothing to do with my blog subject matter, but I was thinking about it. 

TTFN!!!!